A Journey of Self-Discovery as a Survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse
I was only five years old when it began – just a child. I was an expressive, lively, yet serious little girl who loved to laugh and sing around the house. To him, however, I was merely an object for his depraved desires. He always had his eyes on me, and what I now refer to as "the incidents" became a disturbing routine. It became so routine, in fact, that I believed it was normal. He touched me at every opportunity he had.
He didn’t care the time of day or who else was home; all he needed was a five-minute window, and he took advantage. Afterward, I always felt dirty, scrubbing my skin raw and painful with a Brillo pad in the shower. I knew what he was doing was wrong, but he would always look me directly in the eyes and tell me never to tell. I kept his secret, even when my spirit longed to speak, silenced by the deceptive allure of the gifts I received.
Then one day, a few months before my ninth birthday, I finally told. He didn’t deny it; instead, he pleaded for forgiveness. My mother, though she initially acted as if she were on my side, made me pay the cost. I was sent away and given the ultimatum to stay on "my side" of the house and never speak of it again. Looking back, that was an impossible demand, considering it wasn't my house at all, but his. Holding it inside only made the hurt fester. He was never held accountable. I was.
We continued with Sunday dinners and big family functions as if nothing had ever happened. It was as if they locked it up in a box of "things that never happened," and I, like everyone else, threw away the key and believed that lie. But his abuse continued, many nights and many days. Soon, I saw his predatory attention shifting towards my youngest sister. I was terrified for her, especially because she had a developmental disability. In that moment, I immediately became the hero.
In my mid- twenties, those painful memories began to surface, causing significant struggles in my relationships. Yet, I never spoke of it. I knew he was loved by others — a father, a husband, an uncle, a grandfather. The idea of tainting his reputation, of shattering their perception of him, was simply too much for me to bear.
So, I carried that immense burden for a very long time…until now. I don’t proclaim to be a doctor or a psychologist; instead, I am a continuous survivor of the devastating illness of another that ravaged my life and profoundly affected me. Yes, I took critical steps, working with counselors, finding strength in God, and ultimately, healing within myself.
Now, at a crossroads in my life, I still grapple with unanswered questions. I frantically want to understand how my childhood sexual abuse has truly affected my adulthood. What happened in that house for all those years was a profound violation of my innocent mind, body, and spirit. How do I truly move on? How do I erase the painful memories that constantly return to haunt me? There are memories I believed I’d forgotten, suppressed so deeply, yet they are easily triggered by a particular smell, a TV theme song from the ’90s, or even patterns on fabric.
Through my work with a psychologist, I was finally able to confront the pain I had so deeply stuffed down, disguised for so long as silence. For years, I resisted writing about my feelings, paralyzed by the "shame" of potentially shaming my mother, my aunt, my sisters, my children, and my entire family. Yet, waking this morning at 49 years old, I realized that this silence itself was the subtle secret I needed to break.
As a person who experienced sexual abuse, I constantly heard the unspoken rule: "What happens in our house, stays in our house" – we simply don’t talk about these things. I refuse to let my children inherit the internalized lies that have burdened me, or feel unable to share what may have happened to them. I believe that most families struggle to talk about sex, let alone sexual abuse, and this silence perpetuates the cycle.
Why I Have Chosen to Speak Now: How I Can Help Others
I intimately understand the years spent trying to heal, and the deep frustration that arises when it feels like nothing you do truly helps. If you have tried everything and still find yourself unable to heal, then I am here to help you break free from the pain of abuse, move forward with your life, and truly become the person you were always meant to be.
Through this guide, drawn from my own lived experiences, I aim to help those who, like my past self, are searching for a way forward:
By retraining your brain to finally end the emotional roller coaster of feeling good one day and miserable the next.
By letting go of shame, guilt, and any belief that the abuse was ever your fault.
By breaking down the walls that hinder genuine connection with others.
By releasing bottled-up emotions like anger, anxiety, sadness, and the pervasive fear of abandonment.
By gaining self-confidence, empowering you to stop sacrificing yourself or your own desires.
By learning how to set healthy boundaries, enjoy truly intimate relationships, and cultivate trust again.
By finally connecting with your genuine, authentic self.
For more information about my work, or to inquire about working with me, you can contact me at ednajwhite11@gmail.com or visit my website. Be sure to explore all my other books by heading over to my Amazon page.
— Edna White
Resources and References
Stuff! About After Sexual Abuse: New Beginnings by Edna White (Available in Paperback, Ebook, and Audible)
https://www.amazon.com/Stuff-About-After-Sexual-Beginnings/dp/150105653
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