The Gifts of Forgiveness

If we’re interested in living the freedom that we know is possible, we're asked to look at all the ways we keep ourselves separate from it. 

And for some of us, one of those ways is to live in regret of our past actions.

Here’s the scenario. Whether you intended to or not, you’ve done something that hurt someone else or yourself, and you just can’t let yourself off the hook. You can’t stop repeating the story of what you think you did wrong in your mind, convincing yourself that you’re damaged and unworthy.

It’s like you’ve created a movie of what happened, and you keep pushing play—over and over. And the images of what you did and the choices you made recycle in your mind nonstop.

If this is what’s happening to you, something needs to change for you to come to peace. If you continue to punish yourself and believe that you’re bad to the core, you’ll live in this shame forever.

So how to release yourself from the prison of feeling bad about your past actions? How to stop being hijacked by thoughts about what you should have done?

There’s no easy fix, no magic suggestion I can make that will take away all the pain. But there’s much for you to consider and practice to begin to move into greater peace.

Openness to Peace

If you’re stuck in shame and self-blame, see if you can find at least a sliver of openness to explore the possibility of coming to peace. Imagine seeing your life 5, 10, or 15 years into the future.

Do you still want to be feeling the shame you’re feeling now? If not, then contemplate the possibility of finding a way through it. You've suffered enough already.

Acceptance and Understanding

If you keep repeating the story about what you shouldn’t have done, you’re resisting the facts of what happened. No amount of wishing will change the past. The invitation then is to accept what happened and do your best to understand why things unfolded the way they did.

Maybe you were caught in a moment of unconsciousness or were preoccupied with something. Maybe you weren’t thinking clearly because you were taken over by greed or you were seeking attention or approval. Maybe anger or fear was in charge when you did the things you regret.

No matter what happened, accept the facts and know that you are an imperfect human and couldn’t have done any better at the time.

Bring Kindness Toward Yourself

The story of regret is filled with self-judgment and self-criticism. These are extremely harsh ways of thinking about yourself and will keep you stuck. Start to tell yourself that right now, at this moment, you are okay. You’re here, breathing.

Find some space from the feelings that show up in your body and let them be present. They’re just sensations and don’t mean anything bad about you.

Be a friend to yourself rather than a judge and an enemy. 

Presence Is Your Friend

If you’re stuck in regret, you’re living as if the past were here now. But it’s not.

What would it take to be present in this precious moment? Turn away from your mind and turn toward what’s here right now. Look around you and take in the sights and sounds in your environment.

Meet people as they are and not through the veil of your bad feelings about yourself. This is the present moment, here for you to enjoy and appreciate—and it’s okay for you to do that.

Make Amends

Do whatever is necessary to make amends. Apologize, return goods or money, or somehow make it up to those who were hurt as best as you can. And if you can’t do that in person, write a letter to them even if you don’t send it. Create a ritual that lets you say, “I’m sorry.”

Learn from Your Experience

When you get very honest with yourself, you’ve probably learned some valuable life lessons. Be clear about what these are and live them.

Know what your values are and have your actions be aligned with them. Make conscious choices from a place of wisdom, compassion, and understanding. Be an example of a fine and trustworthy human being.

Even if you’ve messed up in a very big way, you don’t have to hold onto the pain forever. Let the moments of your life be a testimony to conscious living, kindness toward yourself and others, and deep compassion for the suffering of all.